Seeking Fake Relationships Because Real Love Hurts

While driving back home from work, I heard this one song on a radio. The singer sang with his sweet voice:

~ ♪ 약속따윈 안 할래요 그냥 보여줄게요 (Instead of making promises, I will just show you with my actions) ♪ ~

After hearing that verse, I aw’d so hard and thought, “I wish someone says this to me too.” Immediately, I second-thought myself, “Really? Do you really want someone to say that to you?”

I do, and I don’t.

Later that day, I found myself again smiling and blushing over the verses from another song, “I Love You 3000 II”:

Baby, take my hand,

I just wanna be your best friend

'Cause I'm your Iron Man

And I love you 3000

Baby, take a chance

'Cause I want this to be something

Straight out of a Hollywood movie

I wonder what is wrong with me...

Maybe it is one of the curses of being empathetic and emotionally sensitive... Whenever I read a romantic novel or comic book, I can feel the butterfly in my stomach and my face getting red along with the main character. When I watch a sad TV show, I easily cry together with the protagonist who gets caught up in family crisis similar to mine.

But maybe there is something deeper going on...

Since I was young, I always find myself getting lost in books and imaginations. I particularly enjoy the stories where the main characters are flawed, just like me, but they are courageous enough to live the lives I can’t live. To me, good fictions are the ones with round and dynamic characters, where real-life struggles are portrayed, and the characters feel like real people.

Every time I get tangled in a complicated relationship whether romantic or not, I find myself feeling all anxious and my heart racing because of fear.

Is it going to not end well again?

Is it going to fall apart again?

Am I going to be the one who takes all the pain and burdens and gets hurt again?

I couldn't put a pause to these questions projected in my mind. My love life has always been unrequited so I found my heart fulfilled in love stories where the girl's feeling eventually gets recognized, and she is loved the way she is. Because my family is a mess that I can't even run away from, I find healing from watching TV shows where dysfunctional family members eventually reconcile and come to understand and support each other. Because I still long for relationships, I seek to entertain myself with those similar to ones in life as much as possible. The only differences are that, in these fantasies, no commitment is required, and love doesn't hurt.

Idolatrous Heart

When a certain show or book is no longer fun or the story is not going the way I want, I can easily drop it and switch to something else — no one is hurt neither me nor someone else. In real life, it’s not easy like that... when a relationship ends or changes, at least one party gets hurt. It is easier this way, I think. However, in the end, I only find myself tangled up in these fakes relationships which drowning me deeper down the pit of loneliness.

I'm such a coward who can't bare to face reality. Outside of my fantasies, I spend a lot of my time regretting the past and worrying about the future. For me, anything that provides me an escape from the presence is welcomed. Because relationships and love in real life are just too painful and burdensome.

I am indeed, as David Powlison describes, an idol-maker, idol-buyer and idol-seller. My heart is idolatrous continuously.

Strength to Love Courageously

The solutions I came up are totally opposite to what Christ has called Christians to do. Love was never meant to be easy. Our Savior has shown us Himself the extent of His love for us that eventually led Him to the cross.

Recently, I came across a modern hymn, Father, Hear the Prayer We Offer:

Father, hear the prayer we offer:

not for ease that prayer shall be,

but for strength that we may ever

live our lives courageously.

Not for ever in green pastures

do we ask our way to be;

but the steep and rugged pathway

may we tread rejoicingly.

Yes, life is hard. The only times I feel that life is easy are probably when I escape to my fantasies. However, suffering is indeed a means of God's grace. In difficulties, God draws me near and invites me to drink from the well of living water. On my knees I come to Him, not for comfortable life I shall ask but for strength to live the life He has called me to — a life of obedience even in the midst of suffering.

Since we belong to Him, the Suffering Messiah, we are bound to suffer. It is natural to long for home in this pilgrimage, but escaping reality is not what Christ has saved us for. Although we are not of this world, we are still in this world and sent to it to proclaim to gospel of Jesus Christ (John 17:19).

Yes, this life is painful, but the resurrection provides us daily hope to live joyfully and to love courageously. Our sin is paid for, and the Holy Spirit dwelling in us is molding us to the likeness of Christ. Because God is sovereign, the love and the pain in this life will never become meaningless. He will use trials and difficulties to work in me and through me for His glory. Therefore, I can ask God for strength and courage to pick up the cross and follow Him — to love even when it hurts. Praised be the One who sees our sinful hearts, collects our tears and saves us for everlasting life.